Miscarriage: 1 Year Reflection

I would die without my calendar. It helps me to remember everything and in looking over the next month, this event caught my eye. I let it sit with me for a moment and honestly, I can’t believe it’s already been a year.

I can still feel like I was in those moments. So excited to be pregnant and sharing that excitement with my little boy who would be a big brother. And then torn apart after understanding that my little baby had died.

But it’s been a year and for the most part, it doesn’t plague me daily.

God has been with me throughout all of that grief and suffering. God lifted me up when I didn’t think I could get out of bed. God is the reason why I’m able to remember this experience and not let it cripple me.

A whole year, almost.

I listened to one song throughout my miscarriage over and over. “God Turn it Around” by Jon Reddick. 

What I can see now, is what God was doing in the midst of this tragedy. I know God doesn’t delight in death but death is a part of this life. But He was working in the background and making things happen.

My husband and I grew closer, bonded together even more. Our relationship tried and become stronger.

My faith in the Savior’s comfort was magnified. I have never felt so supported, even as I cried on the bathroom floor.

My love for this life and for my son was made more clear.

The strength of my excitement over Heavenly Father’s plan for this world and our life afterward. I have full confidence that I will meet that baby someday and they will be mine. I know that my sweet angel is with God, happy and free from the woes of this life.

It’s strange to look back on these anniversaries of miscarriage. They sting, regardless. And they are difficult. Be kind to yourself and give yourself space to remember the baby that you would have had.